i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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