I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
