totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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