1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
