In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Mom said you looked used
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize