Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
