thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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