my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If I die, sorry about rent.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
