So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
sex in a hospital.. check
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
