Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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