True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize