My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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