The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
