Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
When did angry sex become our thing?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
