Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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