Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
