did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
