Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
