I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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