I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
