I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize