My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
