this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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