dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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