you traded sex for a burrito?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
