i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Send help, water and tortillas.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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