I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Let's get the cat blown out
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
