i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize