so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
