yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
