you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
