Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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