I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
