You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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