threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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