The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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