No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
