Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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