Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
