If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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