We're like a lot better than the average bears
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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