if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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