just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
