I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
