Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
