I faked an abortion last night.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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