i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
worst night to have a conscience
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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