You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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