So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
i now understand why vodka
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
