why im i the only drunk person in the library?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
