Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
They have beer where we have blood.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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