hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
