I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
