Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
