My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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