True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
How external is "for external use only"?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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