is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
