I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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